Almost Too Humbling for Words

I wanted to write today even though I cannot really organize my thoughts. This is another of those times that I just want to get the words written down, but not sure where they are going. My friend has cancer and she is not doing well. That previous sentence was going to be, "my friend is dying," but I couldn't bring myself to type those words in that context. I am still hoping for the miracle. But I think I lack enough faith to believe it is still possible. She is still in the hospital because her pain is not under control yet. I got to visit her on Monday.

Her hands and feet were very chapped from the treatments she gets. I asked if I could put lotion on her hands and she almost refused. She didn't want to impose. Her husband handed me the lotion with a smile. He knows her well. Though her feet hurt too much to touch, I was honored to help relieve the suffering in her hands. It was a little thing, but it was something. Her left hand had a needle taped down for administering pain medication and an oxygen saturation monitor was attached to her finger and wrapped around her wrist. Her right arm couldn't have anything on it because of all that had already been done. She had bruises all up her arms where they had removed lymph nodes. Some spots were a deep, dark red. In that moment, I realized I was seeing authentic beauty.

Mother Teresa's Sisters of Charity are quoted as saying that everyone they help is really Jesus. A young nun went to her superior and said, "Mother, I touched the Body of Christ today!" Christ was fully present in a man whose wounds she had dressed and comforted in his pain. The memory of reading those words flooded through me the moment I touched my friend's hand. I was touching the Body of Christ! And it was so beautiful!

She has lost both breasts to cancer. Her beautiful, blond hair is gone. The steroids have puffed up her cheeks so much. I said, "Gerber baby." Her husband said, "No, Cabbage Patch baby." Again, he knows her well. As he affectionately rubs her head and puts a cold cloth on it, I witness another tender moment between them. It is more pure beauty.

But the most humbling part was our conversation, just she and I. Her husband and her mom took a break to let us visit. In her agonizing pain, she looked to me and said, "I am so sorry. You hurt like this all the time." There are not enough words to describe that moment. I assured her that she was in much more pain than I, but she protested again. She said, "Yes, but I know mine will stop eventually. Yours doesn't." I could not hold back my tears any longer. I had touched the Body of Christ and now heard words of comfort from someone suffering more than I can comprehend. The magnitude of that moment has taken me days to process.

As we chatted, she encouraged me to keep getting the word out about contraception. In her early marriage she hadn't known about the dangers of contraception, and had never really heard of NFP. Our very first conversation had been about NFP and how glad she was that I was a promoter. We spent our time in her hospital room talking about ways to help people reconsider and not have an abortion and how to reach out to people with love and support, no matter what choices they have made. Every thing we mentioned she made a mental note to herself to add that to her prayer intentions. She was more than happy to offer up her suffering for others. We closed our time together by listening and praying a sung Chaplet of Divine Mercy. For that little bit of time it distracted her from her pain.

Now some people might think that it is just because this young mother of two children is at the end of her life, that she has just now become so selfless. In my own life, that is probably what it would take for me. But, no. In the short year I have known her, she has amazed me with her gentle and humble heart. She has a balance of strong and meek that I cannot yet emulate, but I hope to learn. Before her cancer returned, I had asked her how she had faced death without losing her spirit. Her answer even then had humbled me. She said, "With cancer you have to. What I admire is that you are in constant pain and yet you can still smile and laugh."

I am so very humbled knowing this amazing lady. I thank God for the short time I have had getting to know her. Her name is Kim. She is one of those "saints on Earth" that so few of us get to meet. I have had that honor.

My Secret Life as a Catholic

As I go more and more public with my writing, my secret life is going to be exposed. For so many years I hid the fact that I was a Catholic, so much so that I have friends who probably think I am a convert. That is truly sad.

Most people have known that I am against abortion, but I have no idea how many people I know realize that I believe that there is a connection between abortion and contraception. As my writing reaches more people, I have more potential for offending. I don't want to offend, but at the same time, pulling punches never got me far. It is out of my character to say anything other than exactly what I think. During those years of hiding my beliefs, I never lied. I just never spoke up. I wanted everyone to just get along. I didn't like to be controversial.

But as the divide grows I feel I cannot remain quiet anymore. If my confessions can help anyone, then I am obligated to share.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

Part of my journey out of a contraceptive mentality also involves the flip side of contraception; forced reproduction, commonly known as IVF. (In-Vitro Fertilization literally means "in glass" fertilization). Many people do not even realize that contraception and IVF are just two sides of the same coin. One is sex without babies, the other is babies without sex. And more and more in our Western culture, contraception is leading to IVF. That is not a surprise. The mentalities for both are very similar.

I was about seven when the first successful "test-tube baby" hit the news. I don't know if I can begin to tell you what a seven-year-old imagines when hearing that headline. For the life of me I could not figure out how that baby could develop in a little tiny test-tube. (The whole transfer to the womb was completely lost on me. I heard test-tube and that is what I believed.) The other weirdness which I have since discovered was actually the wisdom of a child was how empty the mother must have felt to not have the conception occur inside of her.

The idea of conception in a dish was very sad to my seven-year-old mind. In my contraceptive journey, I nearly lost that wisdom. During that time I thought that IVF was such a blessing and gift. I had in my mind that a means to an end was fine as long as I got the ends I wanted. Contraception and IVF break the connection that our bodies intuitively know. During my contracepting days, I know I conceived and miscarried. But I didn't know it at the time. Contraception is a lie to our body and our body begins to believe it. Once I began to leave contraception behind, I knew the precise moment each of my children were conceived. My body told me, and I listened.

It is the same thing with IVF. It is a lie to the body. The female body begins changing at the very moment of conception. IVF denies the mother that first vital week. IVF is a similar shock to the system like contraception. Many women who cease contraception and try to conceive even note the difference. They note how much more in tune with their bodies they are. Though, I still don't understand why anyone who has been in tune would go back to static. For me, getting in tune was a vital piece of my journey out. Morality aside, you couldn't pay me to go back.

It is so sad to watch couples who contracept for years, only to discover that they have now broken their fertility. IVF looks like an answered prayer. It isn't. It is just more heartache. It breaks the connection between husband and wife. It introduces the "mighty hand of the lab tech" into the marriage. Sex is removed from making babies. They become just another thing you can acquire. Babies of IVF are denied their human dignity to be chosen by natural law, (also know as God's design.) The implanted embryo is chosen based on genetic perfection and strength.

I wouldn't exist if those were God's criteria.

Contraception Free Day

For the first time in a long time the topic just didn't come up today! I am nearly shocked. But then, I didn't watch any T.V. to see those commercials, didn't have any conversations with people who aren't Catholic, and didn't participate in any bulletin boards today.

Where's the fun in that? So even though that commercial annoys me to no end, "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday...," ad nauseum, I still have to reach out. I was free from contraception today, but others are still bound by it. It was nice to have such a peaceful day. We all deserve to be free from contraception.

Some Light Housekeeping

As I go more and more public with my writing, I have needed to add some feed readers and do some housekeeping around my little pink page. I added feedburner as a tool for email subscribing. I had hoped to use flocknote for sending emails of new posts, but silly me forgot an important detail. Flocknote is only for Catholics. It links Catholics to their parish and diocese along with the Catholic blogs they are following. Well, since my hope is to someday reach potential Catholics (maybe someone you know?) and non-Catholics...(I hope) I realized I needed a more general way to reach people. So welcome feedburner! ====>>>>>

I have found that I am more apt to read a blog if I get a reminder. But if there are too many reminders I tend to delete. I hope I find the balance in sending to my readers. (Hi there!) I also have hopes of adding pages and links here to refer people to even more resources. We'll see how that works out. As I've said, I am open to ideas to better get the word out on overcoming contraception. My journey to be free of it will keep going as long as I still know anyone who uses it. A former contracepter is like a former smoker that way. Once we have seen the light, we won't rest until everyone else has seen it too.

So subscribe with flocknote if you are Catholic and see the neat things they have going on. Subscribe with feedburner otherwise. If you subscribe with both you will get two notifications for every post. Don't do that. I don't want you to feel spammed by me. I'm just a little wife and mother in her dark living room. I want you to smile when you see a new post from me.

Thanks for reading and have a joyful day!

Keeping Focused on the Purpose

One of the things my mom reminded me of is to keep my writing focused if I want to deliver the best possible message. I have said that for me everything came down to a deep misunderstanding of authentic sexuality, hence a contraceptive mentality. And my mom is right. (During my rebellious years I bet she never thought she would hear those words!) This blog could have as easily been entitled "Confessions of a Former Heretic," or "Confessions of a Former Fornicator," or even, "Confessions of a Former Catholic," if I had stayed on certain paths I tried to take. But no, Confessions of a Former Contracepter is exactly what it is, because that has been the single largest factor in my journey. I was a contracepter before I ever had sex.

My thought process was broken. I cannot blame any one source or even identify the order it all happened. I know it came from a fundamental misunderstanding of what it meant to be female, and especially, what it meant to be feminine. Many people either use those words interchangeably, or they think they are only related because nature defines the former, and society the latter.

It wasn't until very recently that I was given a way to express what I had intuitively known, but had tried to bury. It was Dr. Peter Kreeft who gave me the words. To paraphrase, he says that masculine and feminine are the universal give and receive. Male and female are the result, the physicality, of that universal reality. That might sound backwards to some, but it really spoke to me. I finally found out that I am female because I am inherently feminine. Every single thing made sense to me once that door opened. It was a key that helped unlock a very deep understanding of Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body. Who God is, is written on us. And since I am very, very, very feminine on the spectrum, it helped me to see the complementarity on a grand scale.

So as usual, what does that have to do with contraception? I am so glad you asked! I discovered, and continue to find out each day, that a contraceptive mentality was the number one thing holding me back. (It still does. I find remnants of it all the time.) I find that I often want to hold back that side of me who is inherently designed to receive. I am feminine. We receive and return. That is our design.

My fear of receiving was and is my contraceptive mentality. On that same note, men suffer a fear of giving. They face rejection of their gifts of self. It is often said that a man would rather be respected than loved. That is rooted in rejection of their gifts. My so-called "unworthiness" to receive, I deemed as weakness, selfishness, and laziness. I will have to ponder longer to find the words that men would term for their so-called unworthiness to give. But as all things, it is a complementary fear.

As I have said before, contraception means: "against the beginning." As my health has more bad days at times, than good, I have found a more raw understanding of my rejection of receiving. In my ill health, I am forced to receive. I cannot go it alone. It helps me better understand what I used to deem as antiquated ideas from the book of Genesis. Women in labor are very vulnerable. They cannot do anything except have that baby. They are forced to receive. Men must till the soil. They are forced to give. Those are not merely punishments. They are signposts back to God if we view Him in His whole glory.

All Aboard!

I was thinking tonight again about my friends who struggle with NFP, and really even those who struggle with contraception. Abandoning my former, fornicating lifestyle was harder for me than switching to NFP. NFP gave me freedom. I had never had a good reason to say, "no" before. Contraception gave me something that I termed 'freedom' at the time, but I have come to know now that contraception gave me an excuse. With NFP there is no excuse and I like that.

So why then do people struggle with NFP if it is all about freedom? There are many reasons I can think of, but I want to address the two that I feel are most common and most important. I think the number one reason is because we want what we want. NFP is simply about self-denial. None of us really gets up in the morning and says, "Gee, what can I deny myself today?" Most of us want to give and receive, and that is not a bad thing. NFP really does allow for that, but the biggest hurdle is that the giving and receiving is not just on our terms. Whether a couple charts fertility primarily for religious reasons or just for health reasons, the cycle is what it is. That is how the design works, whether we agree with it or not. So whether a couple believes in asking God for guidance or is just looking to the chart, we have to cooperate with each other and an external "opinion." Abstinence becomes less easy when there is a committee involved.

But I think the bigger reason people struggle is what influenced the title of this post. Not everyone is on board. I find that that struggle applies to everyone; those trying to conceive, those trying to avoid, and especially to those contracepting. One of the reasons I became so anti-contraception is that it introduced a wild-card in an already complicated situation. I hear so many people wanting to use contraception because they think it takes out that pesky pregnancy variable. Well, it does and it doesn't. It freezes it, it tries to ignore it, it might even try to surgically extract it, but it is never really gone. Simply put, because sex makes babies everyone has to be on the same page regardless of the desired end.

That is where the struggle is universal. And personally I believe that NFP holds a special key. When are we, as a couple, supposed to be together? When does God want us together...or even when does "Mother Nature?" How does the design really work? I'll will say right up front I don't struggle with NFP in general. We have a lot of reasons, probably an important one is we are a little older. We have passed those peak years of an ultra-high sex drive. We have some very serious reasons not to have any more children. (You name it we are probably dealing with it: health, financial, age, children's needs.) But at the same time I don't really chart that strictly. Our chart is merely a tool. Our decisions are entirely based on both of us being on board, and in our case it is about being on board with God.

I didn't want to be done having babies, and my husband was sort of take it or leave it. But God gave us a resounding "No." I threw a temper tantrum like any petulant child can be towards her Father, but eventually I got aboard. I don't worry about my chart now. I do a lot more listening to God and to my husband. Now my needs are filled exactly where I am. My goal is to understand the design of sex, and to have a deeper appreciation for it. Sadly, I spent my contracepting (and fornicating) years making decisions about what I wanted and about what I thought my significant other wanted. But I spent very little time actually being honest about where I stood. And I spent even less time asking where I was supposed to be standing.

For my husband and me, NFP was a key to deeper understanding. But we had to choose to take that first step. NFP became very easy when we were all in the same boat.

Going Public With This

So I have blogged on and off for a few years now, very quietly, in the shadows, back in a dark corner. (Actually that is quite literal. I often write in the dark of my living room after everyone has gone to bed.) I have about 3 regular readers so far. (Hi there!) My gratitude to them cannot be measured. You have kept me writing when I feared no one wanted to hear my message. Thank you for that. Now finally I am making attempts to go public with this blog. The message to be free from contraception is an important one. It affects more aspects of all of our lives than most people realize. I started this blog when I realized that the topic still comes up every. single. day. I was on a path to self destruction for many years and my way out was changing my mindset. This blog is about how and why I became a former contracepter.

So I now have a link to subscribe with email that picks up my RSS feed (Yay me, for knowing who to talk to translate that previous sentence.) I am thankful to flocknote.com for making that possible. It is a site attempting to make it more convenient to communicate with your Catholic parish, your area, and your diocese. I hope they are successful. Please go and check them out even if you don't want to subscribe to my ramblings quite yet. I am still working up the courage to post this to my page on facebook (That clattering sound you hear are my knees knocking and my teeth chattering.) I will begin by sending a few people a private message to this link and see where it goes.

My grandest wish of this blog is to reach those who need it most. I want to be a voice of Truth without coming off as self-righteous. As I said when I first started posting here, I have some pretty amazing friends who do contracept, whom I can, and do, learn new ideas from every day. I want to reach those women who have been harmed and now use contraception in self-defense. I want to reach those young men who are beginning to believe that in fact, "Everyone is doing it,"and they need to join up. I want to help heal those wounds, calm those fears, and show compassion. I want this to be a safe place for people to ask the hard questions and I want to take the time to answer them, if I can, and direct them to a better source if I cannot.

In short, yes, I do want to save the world. (Well, at least my little corner of it.) Thanks for reading and please have a joyful day.

"Have to Abstain" and What That Means to Me

I had yet another day that I was too fatigued to attend Mass. I swear I am called to this to be more of a poster child for NFP. Nothing drives me crazier than the people who complain about the ten days of abstinence required for NFP. I have days where the marital act just can't happen. I am in too much pain. But I married a wonderful man who understands. The practice of NFP makes him more able to cope with my times of illness.

I have had debates with people who think that sex is the be all, end all of marriage. I have asked them about the weeks of abstinence after child-birth. Most feel deprived. That makes me sad. Some say, "well because you have to abstain, it is not so bad." Even this, I wish I better understood their mindset. "Have to" is a relative term. What do they say to teenagers who think "have to abstain" is dumb and old fashioned? Teens "have to" because they aren't married right? So why then do these same parents tell these young people not to get married young if it is only that they aren't married that makes them "have to" abstain. Could it be that they aren't ready for the babies that come with sex? Possibly. But isn't that the same reason older married people use contraception? Usually.

So these people who complain about abstinence in marriage want the bonding without the babies. Isn't this exactly what the teens want? They want the bonding, but not the babies too. So maybe those adults believe the teens aren't ready for the bonding side, the side that leads to the not so pretty side; paying bills, getting along, fidelity. So what exactly do these people who want teens to abstain but aren't willing to abstain themselves actually believe about sex? I am not so sure.

When I was of that mindset I thought that you could "bond" without really "bonding." I thought that it was like, as Professor Janet Smith has jokingly termed, "test driving before you buy." I thought you only test drove a car when you were in the market (marriageable age and "maturity"). But I discovered that I, and all of my friends, thought we were in the market ALL the time. We were willing to test drive anyone who looked hopeful. Two words: BAD. IDEA.

Now, I will grant that most people who are pro-contraception are against pre-marital sex...in theory. But when you ask them exactly how their ideas work, they are often contradictory. They want teens to abstain, but believe young adults probably can't, so they might need to marry young. So why would you want to be married to someone for the rest of your life (or until divorce does you part) who was supposed to grow up after marriage? But at the same time they believe you should be older and "financially ready and mature enough" to get married and even more so to have a family. I think they honestly believe somehow that contraception gives people time to grow up. But what I don't know is who they think should be using it, what type exactly they should be using, when they should be using it, why they should be using it and exactly how their minds and bodies are supposed to know this if they shouldn't be having babies in the first place.

I just want to understand. What does their ideal look like and is it possible for anyone to reach it?

Too Many Topics, Not Enough Time

I want to update this all the time, but I have too many ideas and not enough time. Here are some of the ideas that I would like to write about, to address, when I finally have the time:

An open letter to the women on a website who are arguing for free contraception. Two things: number one, they don't define what "free" actually means. Someone has to pay for it. They mean "free to them," but they have no concept of facts. Point number two; why free contraception? Abstinence is free. Why does someone have to pay for them to have sex?

But the more important point is that the ladies are angry. They need hope and love and self respect. A main purpose of my blog is to learn to speak to women who have been harmed. I want to let them know that they deserve more than empty sex has to offer. I want them to know that real men want to love them and want their respect in return. They deserve better than they even know. And the men want better too. It is a matter of joining forces toward something much more beautiful than empty sexual gratification.

Another topic I want to address is the issue of public breast-feeding. I fully believe that the Puritan mentality of the so-called nostalgic eras, has led to a rise in contraception. Breast-feeding is the most natural way to space conceptions, but our society says, "cover that UP!" Even many women who believe they are pro-woman say it must be done, "discreetly." Discreet: many definitions has that word, none of which make sense for breast-feeding.

One of the other ideas I want to address is the direction our society is going in changing the definitions of men and women. I am wondering how far we will go in accepting same sex relationships as interchangeable with opposite sex ones. Will it begin to have an effect on such commonplace things as identifying plugs and receivers as male and female? Will the Olympics be adding a "pairs skating" for men, and for women? How far are we going to go as a society in getting rid of the reality of complementarity? At what point will society decide that one or the other sex is expendable?

Those are three topics I will be exploring in the near future. I pray I have time to expand the ideas. Maybe if I would just do as my dad is always saying and..., "Get to the point!" I would have more time to write because I would be writing fewer words. But then the point of my blog is to share and expand ideas and experiences. That takes a lifetime.