I am Open to Title Ideas Here. AKA: Why Did I Write This?

One of my biggest struggles with being a "former contracepter," is the toll those years took on me. It is hard, actually impossible, to deny that the struggles I have now are in some way linked to the choices I made then. Yes, when I am not being tough on myself I can remember that many of those choices were good and moral. But on days like today, I am very aware of where my immorality led me. Most people who give up contraception, especially hormonal contraception, become very aware of the children they chemically aborted. I think I am also profoundly aware of the people in my life who weren't part of the "plan" in the first place.

Many, if not all, of the choices I make now, have a strong link to my past. I am spending time atoning for my sins, while simultaneously working toward making those sins look less appealing to young people. But on nights like tonight, I wonder how many of the repercussions of those sinful actions will never go away. Please don't get me wrong. I am not trying to present God as some mean, unforgiving tyrant. I do honestly believe that things are sinful simply because, in the long run, they are bad for us.

While I try not to mention too much about other people here, I will say that my husband struggles with his own set of "demons" from his past as well. He has an unusual seizure disorder that makes him, at times, sleepwalk at night, and go into an automatic loop behavior during the day. Basically, when he is in the seizure, if he gets an idea in his head, he will generally act on it. If he decides he is hungry, he will go in the kitchen and make a meal. It doesn't matter that it is the middle of the night. He has no memory the next day of doing the behavior. And he appears completely awake while performing the actions.

In his past, his ways of dealing with stress were not immoral, but they were not good for him. If he was under stress, he would stuff it down and not mention it. Talking about problems always led to fighting for him. He came from a family where men only displayed anger or happiness. They were all heavy drinkers and heavy smokers. Most died young or live in behavior-related ill-health. My husband tries to break those bonds in his own life. But if he is stressed, he craves alcohol, tobacco, and yelling. That is what he knew, and it is hard to let go. And to really make it even tougher on him, the sleepwalking ties him to his past. As a wonderful Catholic counselor told us, "Your emotions have no time-frame. Stress opens the file drawer and pulls out an emotion, no matter how old it is."

He started on the path to change, shortly before I met him 11 years ago. On some level, he is actually ahead of me. When we met, he had quit smoking. I was still fornicating and contracepting. While marriage and chastity "cured me" of my struggles, I still can see the long term effects. I can see the stain on my soul, much like a smoker's lung. (Actually is was continence that fixed it, but that term often sounds like a urinary problem, so, yeah, I use the other term.) Yes, I am forgiven, but I still make choices that are steered in part by overcoming my past. I am more short-tempered about certain topics with my kids. They ask an innocent question and because I know where that answer might lead them, I answer quickly and change the subject. I don't want to do that. I want to truly be free of that past sinful choice. Mostly, I want to be able to answer with a pure heart, not one of suspicion and doubt.

I want my husband to think about having a nice, warm bath when he is stressed out and sleepwalking, not a shot (or 4) of whiskey. I want for those men who come from backgrounds of anger to break those chains completely; just because their dads knew nothing but anger, doesn't mean they have to be just like them. I often beg God for some sort of "spiritual amnesia," where our present choices don't have our past sins lurking over them. One of the questions I still have is, "why if the sin is forgiven completely, do we still remember it?" How do we move forward in holiness while still living with the repercussions of our past sins? And most importantly, how do we strive for holiness when our sinful demons are such a large part of who we have become?

Like a former addict, will I always be a "former contracepter," or at some point in my life will that be so far removed from me that it will have no bearing on my life? Will my husband and other men like him, finally know what it is like to rest secure and confident? Will the families with generations of despair, finally find peace? I think, as I write this, that heaven will be the only place to find those answers. As a very wise religious sister often tells me, "God's delay is not God's denial."

Why a Sweet Sweat was Good!

Pill Users Choose 'Wrong' Sex Partners

A few years ago I heard this report on the news. I was just today redirected to an old article about it. Here it is because it was exactly where I used to be!

When the report I watched was aired, I just happened to be in the same room as both my husband and my dad. Both are very masculine men and the thought of women responding favorably to the smell of their sweaty t-shirts had both of them surprised and chuckling at the report. Both made comments about what an odd thing to test, and how it couldn't possibly be true. I couldn't let that slide. I told them that yes, in fact, it was true and that I had always associated the smell of each of them while working hard as a good thing.

My dad knew that I had been on the Pill of many years because of my "female troubles." I explained very hastily and with a blush, "Yeah dad, those guys I dated during those years that you never liked...that was why." I discovered, for myself, that being on the Pill made me attracted to some really crappy guys. Some were not very assertive, others were just downright misogynists. They hated women. Well, to be fair, they hated what I have come to call, "authentic women." They hated those women who wanted to stay home and -gasp- raise babies! Those women were considered lazy, stupid, and many a name I am choosing not to list. I actually thought, at the time, that they were right. I tried to bury my desire for domestic life, deeper and deeper. I didn't want to be thought lazy and stupid. I had spent years trying to prove I wasn't dumb, because I was, (and still am) a little dingy at times.

I consider the time of May of 2000 to be when my sense of smell returned. I was doing a health cleanse and seeking better ways to finally heal my many health troubles. Going off hormonal contraception was the last step I needed. It was when my sense of balance returned. I finally started becoming me again. I actually ran into two ex-boyfriends during that time at was surprised at how "girly" they suddenly smelled to me. Surprised and shocked actually. They had been nice guys whom my family liked, and they were never hateful or mean. Both of them have since become good friends of mine. They were good guys. But they did not have what I needed in a man. They didn't smell like hard-working men. They work hard. Don't get me wrong. They hold full time jobs. But they don't smell like a hard-working man. I needed a hard working man. I needed a perfect complement to my "love home-cooking, light pretty smelling candles, baby-sniffing" self. I found him.

Just six months after I went off the Pill for good, I met my husband. He's a manly, sole provider who is proud that he supports a stay-at-home wife. I remember sniffing him on our first date. -sniiiiffffff- The smell of clean, sweet sweat. What a wonderful scent!

How's That Working Out for You?

I keep encountering people who defend the promiscuous lifestyle. These are yet again, smart people otherwise. Their defenses are sometimes even reasonably thought out and make some sense. I know those reasonable arguments. I used to make them. I could reason out how pre-marital sex was more important than test driving a car. I could say that a couple needed to know their compatibility before they married. I could even say that some people might not get married, so even calling it "pre-marital" was a presumption. But there is one thing I have noticed in those "reasonable arguments." There is the one question I wasn't asking myself. "In the long run, how is that working out for you?"

Our modern understanding of those questions is a result of our culture's persistent short-sightedness. We simply don't plan ahead very well. The car I needed while I was in my dating years, is certainly not the car I need now with a family and children. Few people test drive the practical cars while they are just dating. Those who do, have planned ahead. And my level of so-called "compatibility" back in those days? That question requires a loud, "HA!" in order to answer honestly. I wasn't even the same person back then, in many vital ways.

Those people, whom I found "compatible" back then, aren't even part of my closest friends anymore. I was still discovering who I was back then. Sexual compatibility should have been at the absolute bottom of the list, instead of second or third. With maturity, a married couple who finds that they are "not sexually compatible" can still go on to become so. Sexual technique is better learned with one partner anyway. You become each other's perfect complement, with no comparisons. If a couple really is struggling after marriage, there are tons of resources to help.

And finally, calling it anything other than "pre-marital sex" is just opening a can of worms that can never be contained again. When I tried to redefine sex is when I made my biggest error. That, primarily led to deep unhappiness with myself. I started to note that many people who balked at calling it "pre-marital sex" because it, "is just sex. It doesn't need a qualifier," still eventually attempted to marry. They had their reasons, but there was one consistency I note. (But this was purely in my own experience; I have no studies to cite.) The consistent theme was: those who redefine marriage tend to attempt it anyway and a lot of the time, end up divorced. In the "how's that working out for you" department, attempting marriage without even having a working definition, would seem fairly doomed at the outset.

Long-term thinking is a good remedy for promiscuity.

Progestin is NOT Progesterone

The following is the content of two posts I made in a discussion on facebook. I find that I don't have time to blog when I am off doing this, so I decided to post my contribution as a blog post. I don't have any sources linked, because well, for one, facebook is so annoying in letting you link in the comments. And two, because it would take me four times as long to source as it does to write. And, "dammit Jim! I am a blogger, not a scientist!" (Free internet points to all those who understand the reference.) If you need a specific source, please let me know and I will dig it out. The woman I am addressing in the posts has health problems which she believes "need to be treated with The Pill." I have removed her name, (I hope I got all the instances), but she remains in my heart and prayers. She, and all other women deserve better than what our current culture thinks is "health care for women."

[Name redacted], I really sympathize with your position. I don't know if you will believe me or not, but I honestly do hope you get better treatment than the Pill. The regiment you are on now is damaging your body for the long term. I can go into the details if you would like, but I am not sure if you will believe my motives are genuine or not. But I will take a dive in anyway...

What you are taking now is something called progestin, or progestogen. Those two words look a lot like the word progesterone, so many people think they must be the same as progesterone. They aren't. And both are very dangerous to you, in the short term and the long term. The family of progestins is designed to mimic progesterone in your pituitary gland. But it doesn't mimic it in the rest of the body. That causes the health problems you are having to get worse.

Pregnant women, and women in the days after ovulation can't get pregnant because the high doses of progesterone in the pituitary, shuts off ovulation. But progesterone doesn't just turn off ovulation and grow the placenta. Those are just the qualities that led to it getting its name. Those are the "pro-gestational" qualities. But what many people don't realize is that all males and females have progesterone (even children) and both sexes absolutely NEED it in its natural form. Progesterone is the building block for the production of estrogen and testosterone.

When your body gets the steroid, progestin, it stops making natural progesterone. (Just like a male athlete on steroidal testosterone stops making natural testosterone and his testes shrink or swell, permanently.) Your ovaries do the same thing on the steroids. They shut down and cease making estrogen. Your body cannot use the artificial progestin to make estrogen. Some versions of the Pill add estrogen in an "average dose" to try to compensate for the loss. But the dose nearly always leads to estrogen dominance or estrogen deficiency, so some try to do without it and advise the patients to use it "short term". When estrogen (or testosterone) levels are off it affects everything about us. In women it leads to loss of libido, vaginal dryness (painful intercourse, and higher risk of STDs because of vaginal tearing,) personality changes, osteoporosis, and a whole host of other problems. (I have a list, but this is plenty long already.)...

Basically, your health problems are being made worse by the Pill, [redacted]. I promise you. I have been there. I have been off of it for 10 years now and my health problems are finally really healing. (It takes 10 years to reverse the effects of it.) Charting your fertility and seeing a doctor who honestly knows about the dangers of progestin is really the only way for living healthy now and in your future...

I am honestly posting to help your health. If you are interested in further information on real treatments, please feel free to contact me privately. I promise not to debate the morality of the Pill. My goal has always been to help other women find authentic forms of medicine. Progestin and progestogen really are neutering the environment and absolutely killing women.

And to answer the question, "If progestins are so bad for the body why don't they use natural progesterone in the Pill instead?" Answer: They tried that when they were testing it 50 years ago and in the first 20 years of "the Pill" being on the market. Massive doses of progesterone in the uterus tries to do what it is supposed to do: make a placenta. But if the building blocks of a placenta aren't there (an embryo) it just makes tumors instead. Way, way too many women's bodies also react to progestin in the same way. Note in any article that attempts to debunk the link between the Pill and cancer will almost always include the little disclaimer, "women who have been off of the Pill for 10 or more years have the same chances of cancer as women who never took it in the first place."

You have to be off of it for 10 years to get your health back! And Pill supporters have done little, to no, research on the women who have taken the Pill for all 20 of their reproductive years. The studies being performed by those against hormonal contraception show that the numbers are likely much higher, the longer a woman has been on the Pill. They are still in the danger zone for 20-30 years. The makers of The Pill are the ones with all the money. They are the ones who can afford research. I don't make a thin dime if I can convince you to switch to fertility awareness. My entire purpose in writing is because your life has value to me. I don't know you, but you are (and any woman reading this) worth more than The Pill is giving you. You deserve real healing. AND real healing IS possible! If anyone, not just [name redacted], is interested in more information, please feel free to contact me privately. We can save the moral debates for another day. For me, learning the health side came first. It taught me that things are immoral, not because people like to judge and wave fingers, but because they really are bad for us, as human persons.

They Should be Neutered?

I see parents complaining over the horrendously inappropriate fashions available at A&F. (I won't give the full name). But at the same time, I see some of those same parents saying that the parents who are letting their children wear these inappropriate clothes, "should be neutered."

But what the indignant parent doesn't realize is that neutering is part of the problem to begin with. "Sexy" is redefined when sex is divorced from marriage and babies. But most of our culture doesn't see it. They see that an 8-year-old dressing like a middle-priced call-girl is unacceptable. But they cannot fathom how our culture got to that point in the first place.

Try telling an indignant adult where we went wrong as a culture, and he or she will transfer the indignance to you. They see that there is a problem. They see that this problem did not exist 50 years ago. They see that something needs to be done. But to even suggest that contraception is even part of the problem, will get you attacked like a carcass surrounded by vultures. Since "they" use contraception and would never dream of dressing their children that way, there must not be a connection!

Having that conversation is not easy. Showing how they're linked can be very time consuming. The contraception descent was gradual. The steps are not straight down. They do meander about quite a bit. Unless someone has shown you the pattern, it can really seem quite random. I guess that is why these indignant people are all so surprised. They never saw it coming.

But there was someone who did see it coming. A document written in 1968 spells it out. Women would be less respected, not more, as contraception became mainstream. Worse, these are not even women yet. They are young girls painted up to look like women. The mistakes that our culture will make in the name of so-called "freedom" are tragic. The victim is innocence.

Sex and Taxes

I just deleted three paragraphs of a new post. I did it on purpose, so please don't feel bad for me. It is the modern day version of pulling paper out of the typewriter and crumpling it up. There is a satisfaction to it that just leaving the ideas "out there" doesn't quite accomplish. I am trying to find the right wording for a question. The words just aren't there. Basically, I read articles on tax-payer funding of contraception and one major theme is always floating in my head. "Why I am paying for people to have sex?" Especially, "why am I paying for sex to not do what sex was designed to do?"

I don't know if it is primarily the overpopulation myth winning out, or if the possibility of self control is now considered a myth, but something is a driving force. A simple explanation is just plain old sin. But we have always been sinners. Why now? Why has contraception come to the forefront? Treating sex wrongly is not a new sin. Which track did we get on that made contraception seem like a good solution? The seven deadly sins have always been about excess and removing consequences. Lust has the unique quality of having infinite consequences. Sex makes people. And those people make more people.

The interventions of "social problems" often address symptoms, not the core. In recent history, only 12-step programs have actually sought the core. Sex-addicts can go 12-step, but fornication remains. In my own history, I was an "affection junkie." Fornication was the means I used to try to fill a craving for affection. Contraception removed the consequences. Why can't my tax money go to help other affection junkies instead? Why treat a symptom and not the core?

More Blue, Less Pink

This page is, well, very pink. I have seriously considered making it more red instead. Red is my favorite color, but I didn't want the page to look so dark, so I chose pink. But recently, I find that I am not reaching fully half of my target demographic. What man wants to read a page, or worse yet, be caught reading a page, that is bright pink!? So my color scheme might change. I want to speak to men too. After all, my husband is also a former contracepter. Men have just as much in this as women do, except they are often told they can't have an opinion because they don't have to carry the baby. Those people are wrong. God's design is right. If men carried babies the human race would not survive. But men have sex. That means they need a voice in this.

I really want to reach men about contraception. I asked my husband what it would take to reach men. His answer: "You, and an 8 hour conversation about marriage and sex." (He is referring to our first date. Yes, I kept him talking for 8 hours, and yes, he eventually married me anyway.) But I was still fairly lost even myself, at that point. I still didn't have all the facts yet. We learned a lot of them together.

I thought of all of this because of a young man I met in L.A., in January. He is a graduate of a prestigious Technical college in his area. He is quite brilliant; in fact brilliant enough to know when he doesn't have the answer. So when he found out what I do, writing and speaking on overcoming contraception, he asked a few questions about the Pill. I was happy to answer and prayed that I did not let my mack-truck personality roll over him. He had only recently heard that it could act as an abortifacient. I gave him the details for it being called a "contraceptive" because pregnancy had been redefined as being implantation instead of conception. He was certainly smart enough to see the sleight of hand in that wording, so he was a bit shocked. I clarified that is also can function as a contraceptive by preventing ovulation and impeding sperm migration. Well, that information led to the more important part of our short conversation.

This young man is your basic secular man. He lives with his girlfriend. They may or may not get married depending on their future plans and circumstances. They are very nice people. The couple has very different morals than I do. But I begin my conversations in love and friendship. They were kind and welcoming, and he asked the questions. "How does it prevent it? What does 'impede sperm migration' mean?" It was an open door. I walked through it. His expressions were priceless.

The language of sperm as swimmers and cervical mucous as a river was pretty entertaining. He didn't know "that stuff," (his words) had a purpose. By the end, he still had questions. But they were educated questions. I think the parts that stuck out to him were about sex drives and libido. I saw him staring across the room at her when I told him that being artificially infertile meant the woman has a lower sex drive. He was confused at first until I said, "You are fertile 24/7. And your sex drive is?"

And he answered "24/7!" I explained that a woman is only fertile for about 48 hours with the fertile hormones leading up from about a week before. So his next question had him wide eyed. "So a woman on the Pill is never fertile and has the sex drive to match?"

My answer: "Sadly yes, except when ovulation breaks through. Then, she usually can't keep her hands off of her man."

He looked across at her again. She noticed that time and asked what we were talking about. His answer was basically, "I'll tell you later."

I pray and hope that I reached him. I still hope that they will find the joy and blessings of marriage. I hope that they will be brought to the Truth by first seeing through the lies of contraception. His name is Mike. Please pray for him.

As My Eyes Began to Open

About 18 years ago the younger sister of a friend called me from a nearby town. She was looking for a phone number. This was pre-internet days where, to find a phone number you needed an actual phone book for the area you wanted, or you paid money to call information. She was going to be in my city and needed to make an appointment. I said I was happy to help. And I did. And that moment was the beginning of a wake up call for me.

She needed the number to Planned Parenthood. I even said, "you realize you are asking a Catholic for this don't you?" Her answer was that it wasn't for an abortion, but for her "annual." She told me that it was a cheap place that she could get her "Pills." She told me, "well, they won't give me my birth control Pills without an exam, but it isn't a real exam anyway. They just do the basics and give me my pills. It's cheap and all I need is not to get pregnant again" (At the time she had no children that I knew of, so the "again" stood out.) I remember such detail about the call because it was such a moment of tragedy for my personal failure. I didn't even really know at the time what my own Church taught about contraception. She knew I was against abortion so her telling me she was getting contraception was supposed to ease my mind, I guess.

At the time it did. At the time I really believed that better access to contraception was going to prevent abortion. I didn't even realize that the Catholic Church was already teaching that contraception leads to more abortion, not less. I really thought that more STD tests meant that more people were finally getting tested, not that it meant more people were getting the diseases. I actually started to think that clinics like Planned Parenthood were doing some good. I thought they were helping the poor.

But this gal was 17 at the time. She was living on her own. We lost touch for many years. I eventually found out that her contraception had failed, yet again. And she had been with a man who showed her no respect. I would always think back to that phone call. What if I had known then what I know now? What if I had told her then that she deserved better than what contraception had to offer? What if I had had the courage to say, "How about I pay to take you to a real clinic and get you a real exam and real education about healthy sexuality? You deserve to be treated better than 'cheap' care." What a difference might that have made in her life? But instead, I left her in the hands of Planned Parenthood because, "at least she's not going there for an abortion."

I am speaking up now. I won't stop until every woman knows she deserves better.

More Confessions: A Wish List

My biggest reason for starting this blog was to share my past journey. But, as has been pointed out to me by friends, it does say "Confessions." That term also includes the present. While I am a former contracepter, I am still on a journey. I don't foresee myself becoming a contracepter again, but I do know I have to nurture my spirit every day on this topic. I need to remember why it is important and why I want to spread the word about the pitfalls of contraception.

So, with that said, here are the beginnings of my wish list: (in no particular order)

• To find the time to make up my business cards promoting NFP
• To take classes in other methods of NFP to promote those as well
• To blog more often, preferably daily
• To be more brief in each blog post (Brevity has never been my strong suit.)
• To discover better ways to communicate with those who disagree
• To create and nurture a home environment to make writing a higher priority
• To attend to my children while staying on task to write
• To find the humor in this topic more often and not take myself so seriously
• To keep anonymous enough that my husband can show his face in public
• To write well enough to give all glory to God
• To get better at just publishing posts even if they aren't quite "done"

Like this one, for instance. Thanks for reading!!