Tuesday, June 21, 2011

How's That Working Out for You?

I keep encountering people who defend the promiscuous lifestyle. These are yet again, smart people otherwise. Their defenses are sometimes even reasonably thought out and make some sense. I know those reasonable arguments. I used to make them. I could reason out how pre-marital sex was more important than test driving a car. I could say that a couple needed to know their compatibility before they married. I could even say that some people might not get married, so even calling it "pre-marital" was a presumption. But there is one thing I have noticed in those "reasonable arguments." There is the one question I wasn't asking myself. "In the long run, how is that working out for you?"

Our modern understanding of those questions is a result of our culture's persistent short-sightedness. We simply don't plan ahead very well. The car I needed while I was in my dating years, is certainly not the car I need now with a family and children. Few people test drive the practical cars while they are just dating. Those who do, have planned ahead. And my level of so-called "compatibility" back in those days? That question requires a loud, "HA!" in order to answer honestly. I wasn't even the same person back then, in many vital ways.

Those people, whom I found "compatible" back then, aren't even part of my closest friends anymore. I was still discovering who I was back then. Sexual compatibility should have been at the absolute bottom of the list, instead of second or third. With maturity, a married couple who finds that they are "not sexually compatible" can still go on to become so. Sexual technique is better learned with one partner anyway. You become each other's perfect complement, with no comparisons. If a couple really is struggling after marriage, there are tons of resources to help.

And finally, calling it anything other than "pre-marital sex" is just opening a can of worms that can never be contained again. When I tried to redefine sex is when I made my biggest error. That, primarily led to deep unhappiness with myself. I started to note that many people who balked at calling it "pre-marital sex" because it, "is just sex. It doesn't need a qualifier," still eventually attempted to marry. They had their reasons, but there was one consistency I note. (But this was purely in my own experience; I have no studies to cite.) The consistent theme was: those who redefine marriage tend to attempt it anyway and a lot of the time, end up divorced. In the "how's that working out for you" department, attempting marriage without even having a working definition, would seem fairly doomed at the outset.

Long-term thinking is a good remedy for promiscuity.

1 comment:

ES said...

I am certainly glad that I did *not* wait to have sex until a possible marriage. In my case, following an accident at 29, both my testicles had to be removed. Up until that point I had had many sexual encounters with many wonderful women and am glad I had. The reason being, apart from the blissful sex, is that within a year of (for the want of nicer terminology) my castration I had lost the ability to get erections.

Had I waited I might never have experienced the absolute pleasure of sexual intercourse. And the pleasure in knowing that I was satisfying a woman's needs.

A point to note is that for a year I was able to have sex (and did) but, missing the testicles to make sperm, I was essentially using contraception.

After 5 years I have now come to terms with the loss of my testicles and actively urge young people to have (safe) sex.