Mimics Are So Annoying

The word the Church often uses is "counterfeit." I like the term "mimic" too. I think both work well. From what I have understood of Pope John Paul the Great's earlier work Love and Responsibility, I think mimic is a good translation of what he is describing for the sexual activity that happens in a counterfeit of marriage. I still struggle with that book. It is a very difficult read. A theologian friend once said, "When I got stuck I started counting the words in a paragraph. There were 100 words. And it was one sentence! And it wasn't a run-on!!" I have little kids so I can be easily distracted. I don't stand a chance until they are older.

When I was really introduced to the idea of sexual counterfeit and sexual mimic, the remaining questions I had about the morality of sexual acts finally became clear. Until then, I couldn't distinguish a definite line between things that our culture crudely calls, "oral sex," from the beautiful overture to the marital act known as foreplay. On Catholic bulletin boards I would see people dancing around the topic, and then using all sorts of strange authorities, or even popular, well known speakers, to try to justify their point of view. None seemed like sound answers.

It became the last piece of the puzzle I needed to answer for me. What really is the difference between immoral "oral sex," compared to moral, oral stimulation during foreplay? I found my answer as I read more deeply about the word counterfeit. A small blip in my mind gave me the clue, "mimic." That word, mimic, became very important. I asked my husband about it. We talked frankly about our pasts again, like when we were first dating. I asked friends and really started to examine the idea. And most importantly, I contemplated my own marriage act itself compared to my past sexual encounters. That word summed it up. Mimic. It was in using sexual acts that mimicked foreplay, that I first began a counterfeit sexuality in my past.

In reading and hearing Catholics try to defend oral sex as moral on one end of the spectrum, fighting with other Catholics at the other end of the spectrum, who couldn't even comprehend the idea of foreplay; I knew there had to be a way to objectively determine what is and what is not a moral sexual act. I was going out on a limb in saying that oral sex was not moral even when "used as foreplay," as some popular theologians have claimed. But at the same time, I didn't want that limb sawed off by a person saying that foreplay was oral sex since it sort of "looked like oral sex." There had to be an objective line. I found it in that one word. MIMIC.

I looked at the design of the body again. The mouth, the hands, the sexual organs, the reproductive organs; they all have a design. They all have a purpose. The mouth is designed to taste and suckle. The kiss is built right into the design. There is not a single spot on our spouse's body that we are forbidden to kiss, and to suckle. Where the line crosses into the counterfeit acts is in an act that mimics. The moment the mouth ceases to behave as a mouth is designed to, and instead mimics a genital, it has become a counterfeit act. When the hands and fingers cease to caress and guide, they are counterfeits of their design. When the hands mimic a penis or mimic a vagina, the act has degraded into a mutual masturbation. There is a difference, and that difference makes an enormous change.

I found that when I stumbled on to that truth, my own marriage got even better. I found that intuitively, the acts that never quite "felt right" were mimics. They were a poor substitute for the real thing. Clearing out those acts intensifies the anticipation. Foreplay is really something for before, when the mimic is removed. When the mind-blowing climax follows it is just as many people have described, "The closest we can get to feeling in heaven, while still alive."

Marriage is the first step to overcoming any mimic. Fornication is defined by its "counterfeit-ness." In fornication, two become one, but only for today. Tomorrow, they go their separate ways. The next steps are in truly bringing your marriage to God through prayer and sacrifice. He designed sex. He is the author, therefore, the ultimate author-ity. The final steps are in the communication between spouses. Communion has many meanings. All are important to marriage.

I have asked many times, "what could have been said to me waaaay back when, that would have helped me wait for marriage?" I have found that the idea of mimic and counterfeit would have been the most compelling arguments for me. If someone had told me, that fornication, contraception, and oral sex were the sexual equivalent to inheriting a fortune, only to find out it was counterfeit money in the end; I would have made different choices. I mean, really. Who wants to roll around in a big pile of counterfeit?

I'm Fertile.

YAY!! But we have been called to a small family. Boo. But we are both on board with that, so abstaining hasn't been a problem. Yay! Yeah. Abstaining hasn't been a problem. Boo.

NFP, health problems, and us. I ache so badly sometimes that I can't feel my lower extremities. Hard to feel aroused, when numbness is more common. So. How do I overcome that? I take pain pills I don't like, but help me function. I go to a doctor every two months and poas. That's "pee on a stick" for those not in the know. But the stick I pee on is not to check for hormones. It is to check that I don't have too much of the pain drugs in my system to show I am not overdosing, and enough in my system that I am not selling them. Careful balance there. (Don't worry criminals, getting to the drugs is tough. I am always home. And armed.) It is a gift to have this type of pain management available. I can't fathom the level of pain people dealt with when they still thought chronic fatigue was a "fake illness."

Being called to a small family probably hurts more. I wanted a bunch of children so I would never know who was the "baby," so I would never raise her as one. (I am the family baby, and I have issues.) I wanted a bunch of kids who entertained each other and helped each other laugh. Instead I have 2. They are enough to be a conspiracy all on their own, though. They make each other laugh, and also scream and fight. I missed the parent memo that an older brother would lick his sister's upper arm just to annoy her, and then claim, "I just breathed on her." Um. Ew? What are we? Cats? Yuck. "Spit that thing out. You don't know where its been!" (Points if you get the Ice Age reference.)

I wanted a lot of kids. I wanted to be Fertile Myrtle. I also wanted to be healthy and conquer the world. Didn't work out that way. God always has other plans. I have a younger friend with 4 children who sometimes feels intimidated going in public and dealing with the comments. (Don't you have a TV?) She is shy and reserved, while I would have loved to answer with my favorite all-time quip that I picked up somewhere online, "Sir. If you think TV is better than sex, you're doing it wrong." But, God had other plans for most of us.

I wonder if there is anything good on TV tonight?

16 and 25 to 41

I often joke that the 16-year-old version of me would laugh if you told her where she would be in 25 years. But recently, I have decided that she wouldn't laugh so much as be entertained by her own rudder. I think that no one who knew me then is terribly surprised when they find out the directions I have gone in. I am sure that every guy I dated, and lectured on his and my own lack of morality, is not surprised at all that this is where I went. I have always had this in me. There is not a teacher who wouldn't be surprised that I express myself, most often, in the written word. I talked constantly in school. But I also wrote. An essay test answer from me was sure to go on... and on.

My religion teachers knew me as the one who always had a question. If I didn't have a headache preventing me from participating, I was right in the fray. I wanted to know everything about every religion. None of that has truly changed. I still do. I still struggle to "get" homilies. I keep wanting to make them relate to me. I often discover that it is me who needs to do the relating. That hasn't changed either.

The biggest part of me that hasn't changed is my fear of letting myself be exposed. I still fear letting the world see me in all of my yucky sinfulness. I still don't want to write when I don't feel up to it. I still keep ideas in my head, and in my ipod recorder; ideas that I am afraid to put out there because I might offend. I still haven't changed in many ways from that 16-year-old. I still want everyone to like me. Silly, I know. And pleasing people will not get Truth revealed. That is likely one of the only things that would shock 16-year-old me. "You aren't going to like the Truth sometimes, and neither will others. Deal with it."

I am Open to Title Ideas Here. AKA: Why Did I Write This?

One of my biggest struggles with being a "former contracepter," is the toll those years took on me. It is hard, actually impossible, to deny that the struggles I have now are in some way linked to the choices I made then. Yes, when I am not being tough on myself I can remember that many of those choices were good and moral. But on days like today, I am very aware of where my immorality led me. Most people who give up contraception, especially hormonal contraception, become very aware of the children they chemically aborted. I think I am also profoundly aware of the people in my life who weren't part of the "plan" in the first place.

Many, if not all, of the choices I make now, have a strong link to my past. I am spending time atoning for my sins, while simultaneously working toward making those sins look less appealing to young people. But on nights like tonight, I wonder how many of the repercussions of those sinful actions will never go away. Please don't get me wrong. I am not trying to present God as some mean, unforgiving tyrant. I do honestly believe that things are sinful simply because, in the long run, they are bad for us.

While I try not to mention too much about other people here, I will say that my husband struggles with his own set of "demons" from his past as well. He has an unusual seizure disorder that makes him, at times, sleepwalk at night, and go into an automatic loop behavior during the day. Basically, when he is in the seizure, if he gets an idea in his head, he will generally act on it. If he decides he is hungry, he will go in the kitchen and make a meal. It doesn't matter that it is the middle of the night. He has no memory the next day of doing the behavior. And he appears completely awake while performing the actions.

In his past, his ways of dealing with stress were not immoral, but they were not good for him. If he was under stress, he would stuff it down and not mention it. Talking about problems always led to fighting for him. He came from a family where men only displayed anger or happiness. They were all heavy drinkers and heavy smokers. Most died young or live in behavior-related ill-health. My husband tries to break those bonds in his own life. But if he is stressed, he craves alcohol, tobacco, and yelling. That is what he knew, and it is hard to let go. And to really make it even tougher on him, the sleepwalking ties him to his past. As a wonderful Catholic counselor told us, "Your emotions have no time-frame. Stress opens the file drawer and pulls out an emotion, no matter how old it is."

He started on the path to change, shortly before I met him 11 years ago. On some level, he is actually ahead of me. When we met, he had quit smoking. I was still fornicating and contracepting. While marriage and chastity "cured me" of my struggles, I still can see the long term effects. I can see the stain on my soul, much like a smoker's lung. (Actually is was continence that fixed it, but that term often sounds like a urinary problem, so, yeah, I use the other term.) Yes, I am forgiven, but I still make choices that are steered in part by overcoming my past. I am more short-tempered about certain topics with my kids. They ask an innocent question and because I know where that answer might lead them, I answer quickly and change the subject. I don't want to do that. I want to truly be free of that past sinful choice. Mostly, I want to be able to answer with a pure heart, not one of suspicion and doubt.

I want my husband to think about having a nice, warm bath when he is stressed out and sleepwalking, not a shot (or 4) of whiskey. I want for those men who come from backgrounds of anger to break those chains completely; just because their dads knew nothing but anger, doesn't mean they have to be just like them. I often beg God for some sort of "spiritual amnesia," where our present choices don't have our past sins lurking over them. One of the questions I still have is, "why if the sin is forgiven completely, do we still remember it?" How do we move forward in holiness while still living with the repercussions of our past sins? And most importantly, how do we strive for holiness when our sinful demons are such a large part of who we have become?

Like a former addict, will I always be a "former contracepter," or at some point in my life will that be so far removed from me that it will have no bearing on my life? Will my husband and other men like him, finally know what it is like to rest secure and confident? Will the families with generations of despair, finally find peace? I think, as I write this, that heaven will be the only place to find those answers. As a very wise religious sister often tells me, "God's delay is not God's denial."

Why a Sweet Sweat was Good!

Pill Users Choose 'Wrong' Sex Partners

A few years ago I heard this report on the news. I was just today redirected to an old article about it. Here it is because it was exactly where I used to be!

When the report I watched was aired, I just happened to be in the same room as both my husband and my dad. Both are very masculine men and the thought of women responding favorably to the smell of their sweaty t-shirts had both of them surprised and chuckling at the report. Both made comments about what an odd thing to test, and how it couldn't possibly be true. I couldn't let that slide. I told them that yes, in fact, it was true and that I had always associated the smell of each of them while working hard as a good thing.

My dad knew that I had been on the Pill of many years because of my "female troubles." I explained very hastily and with a blush, "Yeah dad, those guys I dated during those years that you never liked...that was why." I discovered, for myself, that being on the Pill made me attracted to some really crappy guys. Some were not very assertive, others were just downright misogynists. They hated women. Well, to be fair, they hated what I have come to call, "authentic women." They hated those women who wanted to stay home and -gasp- raise babies! Those women were considered lazy, stupid, and many a name I am choosing not to list. I actually thought, at the time, that they were right. I tried to bury my desire for domestic life, deeper and deeper. I didn't want to be thought lazy and stupid. I had spent years trying to prove I wasn't dumb, because I was, (and still am) a little dingy at times.

I consider the time of May of 2000 to be when my sense of smell returned. I was doing a health cleanse and seeking better ways to finally heal my many health troubles. Going off hormonal contraception was the last step I needed. It was when my sense of balance returned. I finally started becoming me again. I actually ran into two ex-boyfriends during that time at was surprised at how "girly" they suddenly smelled to me. Surprised and shocked actually. They had been nice guys whom my family liked, and they were never hateful or mean. Both of them have since become good friends of mine. They were good guys. But they did not have what I needed in a man. They didn't smell like hard-working men. They work hard. Don't get me wrong. They hold full time jobs. But they don't smell like a hard-working man. I needed a hard working man. I needed a perfect complement to my "love home-cooking, light pretty smelling candles, baby-sniffing" self. I found him.

Just six months after I went off the Pill for good, I met my husband. He's a manly, sole provider who is proud that he supports a stay-at-home wife. I remember sniffing him on our first date. -sniiiiffffff- The smell of clean, sweet sweat. What a wonderful scent!

How's That Working Out for You?

I keep encountering people who defend the promiscuous lifestyle. These are yet again, smart people otherwise. Their defenses are sometimes even reasonably thought out and make some sense. I know those reasonable arguments. I used to make them. I could reason out how pre-marital sex was more important than test driving a car. I could say that a couple needed to know their compatibility before they married. I could even say that some people might not get married, so even calling it "pre-marital" was a presumption. But there is one thing I have noticed in those "reasonable arguments." There is the one question I wasn't asking myself. "In the long run, how is that working out for you?"

Our modern understanding of those questions is a result of our culture's persistent short-sightedness. We simply don't plan ahead very well. The car I needed while I was in my dating years, is certainly not the car I need now with a family and children. Few people test drive the practical cars while they are just dating. Those who do, have planned ahead. And my level of so-called "compatibility" back in those days? That question requires a loud, "HA!" in order to answer honestly. I wasn't even the same person back then, in many vital ways.

Those people, whom I found "compatible" back then, aren't even part of my closest friends anymore. I was still discovering who I was back then. Sexual compatibility should have been at the absolute bottom of the list, instead of second or third. With maturity, a married couple who finds that they are "not sexually compatible" can still go on to become so. Sexual technique is better learned with one partner anyway. You become each other's perfect complement, with no comparisons. If a couple really is struggling after marriage, there are tons of resources to help.

And finally, calling it anything other than "pre-marital sex" is just opening a can of worms that can never be contained again. When I tried to redefine sex is when I made my biggest error. That, primarily led to deep unhappiness with myself. I started to note that many people who balked at calling it "pre-marital sex" because it, "is just sex. It doesn't need a qualifier," still eventually attempted to marry. They had their reasons, but there was one consistency I note. (But this was purely in my own experience; I have no studies to cite.) The consistent theme was: those who redefine marriage tend to attempt it anyway and a lot of the time, end up divorced. In the "how's that working out for you" department, attempting marriage without even having a working definition, would seem fairly doomed at the outset.

Long-term thinking is a good remedy for promiscuity.

Progestin is NOT Progesterone

The following is the content of two posts I made in a discussion on facebook. I find that I don't have time to blog when I am off doing this, so I decided to post my contribution as a blog post. I don't have any sources linked, because well, for one, facebook is so annoying in letting you link in the comments. And two, because it would take me four times as long to source as it does to write. And, "dammit Jim! I am a blogger, not a scientist!" (Free internet points to all those who understand the reference.) If you need a specific source, please let me know and I will dig it out. The woman I am addressing in the posts has health problems which she believes "need to be treated with The Pill." I have removed her name, (I hope I got all the instances), but she remains in my heart and prayers. She, and all other women deserve better than what our current culture thinks is "health care for women."

[Name redacted], I really sympathize with your position. I don't know if you will believe me or not, but I honestly do hope you get better treatment than the Pill. The regiment you are on now is damaging your body for the long term. I can go into the details if you would like, but I am not sure if you will believe my motives are genuine or not. But I will take a dive in anyway...

What you are taking now is something called progestin, or progestogen. Those two words look a lot like the word progesterone, so many people think they must be the same as progesterone. They aren't. And both are very dangerous to you, in the short term and the long term. The family of progestins is designed to mimic progesterone in your pituitary gland. But it doesn't mimic it in the rest of the body. That causes the health problems you are having to get worse.

Pregnant women, and women in the days after ovulation can't get pregnant because the high doses of progesterone in the pituitary, shuts off ovulation. But progesterone doesn't just turn off ovulation and grow the placenta. Those are just the qualities that led to it getting its name. Those are the "pro-gestational" qualities. But what many people don't realize is that all males and females have progesterone (even children) and both sexes absolutely NEED it in its natural form. Progesterone is the building block for the production of estrogen and testosterone.

When your body gets the steroid, progestin, it stops making natural progesterone. (Just like a male athlete on steroidal testosterone stops making natural testosterone and his testes shrink or swell, permanently.) Your ovaries do the same thing on the steroids. They shut down and cease making estrogen. Your body cannot use the artificial progestin to make estrogen. Some versions of the Pill add estrogen in an "average dose" to try to compensate for the loss. But the dose nearly always leads to estrogen dominance or estrogen deficiency, so some try to do without it and advise the patients to use it "short term". When estrogen (or testosterone) levels are off it affects everything about us. In women it leads to loss of libido, vaginal dryness (painful intercourse, and higher risk of STDs because of vaginal tearing,) personality changes, osteoporosis, and a whole host of other problems. (I have a list, but this is plenty long already.)...

Basically, your health problems are being made worse by the Pill, [redacted]. I promise you. I have been there. I have been off of it for 10 years now and my health problems are finally really healing. (It takes 10 years to reverse the effects of it.) Charting your fertility and seeing a doctor who honestly knows about the dangers of progestin is really the only way for living healthy now and in your future...

I am honestly posting to help your health. If you are interested in further information on real treatments, please feel free to contact me privately. I promise not to debate the morality of the Pill. My goal has always been to help other women find authentic forms of medicine. Progestin and progestogen really are neutering the environment and absolutely killing women.

And to answer the question, "If progestins are so bad for the body why don't they use natural progesterone in the Pill instead?" Answer: They tried that when they were testing it 50 years ago and in the first 20 years of "the Pill" being on the market. Massive doses of progesterone in the uterus tries to do what it is supposed to do: make a placenta. But if the building blocks of a placenta aren't there (an embryo) it just makes tumors instead. Way, way too many women's bodies also react to progestin in the same way. Note in any article that attempts to debunk the link between the Pill and cancer will almost always include the little disclaimer, "women who have been off of the Pill for 10 or more years have the same chances of cancer as women who never took it in the first place."

You have to be off of it for 10 years to get your health back! And Pill supporters have done little, to no, research on the women who have taken the Pill for all 20 of their reproductive years. The studies being performed by those against hormonal contraception show that the numbers are likely much higher, the longer a woman has been on the Pill. They are still in the danger zone for 20-30 years. The makers of The Pill are the ones with all the money. They are the ones who can afford research. I don't make a thin dime if I can convince you to switch to fertility awareness. My entire purpose in writing is because your life has value to me. I don't know you, but you are (and any woman reading this) worth more than The Pill is giving you. You deserve real healing. AND real healing IS possible! If anyone, not just [name redacted], is interested in more information, please feel free to contact me privately. We can save the moral debates for another day. For me, learning the health side came first. It taught me that things are immoral, not because people like to judge and wave fingers, but because they really are bad for us, as human persons.

They Should be Neutered?

I see parents complaining over the horrendously inappropriate fashions available at A&F. (I won't give the full name). But at the same time, I see some of those same parents saying that the parents who are letting their children wear these inappropriate clothes, "should be neutered."

But what the indignant parent doesn't realize is that neutering is part of the problem to begin with. "Sexy" is redefined when sex is divorced from marriage and babies. But most of our culture doesn't see it. They see that an 8-year-old dressing like a middle-priced call-girl is unacceptable. But they cannot fathom how our culture got to that point in the first place.

Try telling an indignant adult where we went wrong as a culture, and he or she will transfer the indignance to you. They see that there is a problem. They see that this problem did not exist 50 years ago. They see that something needs to be done. But to even suggest that contraception is even part of the problem, will get you attacked like a carcass surrounded by vultures. Since "they" use contraception and would never dream of dressing their children that way, there must not be a connection!

Having that conversation is not easy. Showing how they're linked can be very time consuming. The contraception descent was gradual. The steps are not straight down. They do meander about quite a bit. Unless someone has shown you the pattern, it can really seem quite random. I guess that is why these indignant people are all so surprised. They never saw it coming.

But there was someone who did see it coming. A document written in 1968 spells it out. Women would be less respected, not more, as contraception became mainstream. Worse, these are not even women yet. They are young girls painted up to look like women. The mistakes that our culture will make in the name of so-called "freedom" are tragic. The victim is innocence.

Sex and Taxes

I just deleted three paragraphs of a new post. I did it on purpose, so please don't feel bad for me. It is the modern day version of pulling paper out of the typewriter and crumpling it up. There is a satisfaction to it that just leaving the ideas "out there" doesn't quite accomplish. I am trying to find the right wording for a question. The words just aren't there. Basically, I read articles on tax-payer funding of contraception and one major theme is always floating in my head. "Why I am paying for people to have sex?" Especially, "why am I paying for sex to not do what sex was designed to do?"

I don't know if it is primarily the overpopulation myth winning out, or if the possibility of self control is now considered a myth, but something is a driving force. A simple explanation is just plain old sin. But we have always been sinners. Why now? Why has contraception come to the forefront? Treating sex wrongly is not a new sin. Which track did we get on that made contraception seem like a good solution? The seven deadly sins have always been about excess and removing consequences. Lust has the unique quality of having infinite consequences. Sex makes people. And those people make more people.

The interventions of "social problems" often address symptoms, not the core. In recent history, only 12-step programs have actually sought the core. Sex-addicts can go 12-step, but fornication remains. In my own history, I was an "affection junkie." Fornication was the means I used to try to fill a craving for affection. Contraception removed the consequences. Why can't my tax money go to help other affection junkies instead? Why treat a symptom and not the core?

More Blue, Less Pink

This page is, well, very pink. I have seriously considered making it more red instead. Red is my favorite color, but I didn't want the page to look so dark, so I chose pink. But recently, I find that I am not reaching fully half of my target demographic. What man wants to read a page, or worse yet, be caught reading a page, that is bright pink!? So my color scheme might change. I want to speak to men too. After all, my husband is also a former contracepter. Men have just as much in this as women do, except they are often told they can't have an opinion because they don't have to carry the baby. Those people are wrong. God's design is right. If men carried babies the human race would not survive. But men have sex. That means they need a voice in this.

I really want to reach men about contraception. I asked my husband what it would take to reach men. His answer: "You, and an 8 hour conversation about marriage and sex." (He is referring to our first date. Yes, I kept him talking for 8 hours, and yes, he eventually married me anyway.) But I was still fairly lost even myself, at that point. I still didn't have all the facts yet. We learned a lot of them together.

I thought of all of this because of a young man I met in L.A., in January. He is a graduate of a prestigious Technical college in his area. He is quite brilliant; in fact brilliant enough to know when he doesn't have the answer. So when he found out what I do, writing and speaking on overcoming contraception, he asked a few questions about the Pill. I was happy to answer and prayed that I did not let my mack-truck personality roll over him. He had only recently heard that it could act as an abortifacient. I gave him the details for it being called a "contraceptive" because pregnancy had been redefined as being implantation instead of conception. He was certainly smart enough to see the sleight of hand in that wording, so he was a bit shocked. I clarified that is also can function as a contraceptive by preventing ovulation and impeding sperm migration. Well, that information led to the more important part of our short conversation.

This young man is your basic secular man. He lives with his girlfriend. They may or may not get married depending on their future plans and circumstances. They are very nice people. The couple has very different morals than I do. But I begin my conversations in love and friendship. They were kind and welcoming, and he asked the questions. "How does it prevent it? What does 'impede sperm migration' mean?" It was an open door. I walked through it. His expressions were priceless.

The language of sperm as swimmers and cervical mucous as a river was pretty entertaining. He didn't know "that stuff," (his words) had a purpose. By the end, he still had questions. But they were educated questions. I think the parts that stuck out to him were about sex drives and libido. I saw him staring across the room at her when I told him that being artificially infertile meant the woman has a lower sex drive. He was confused at first until I said, "You are fertile 24/7. And your sex drive is?"

And he answered "24/7!" I explained that a woman is only fertile for about 48 hours with the fertile hormones leading up from about a week before. So his next question had him wide eyed. "So a woman on the Pill is never fertile and has the sex drive to match?"

My answer: "Sadly yes, except when ovulation breaks through. Then, she usually can't keep her hands off of her man."

He looked across at her again. She noticed that time and asked what we were talking about. His answer was basically, "I'll tell you later."

I pray and hope that I reached him. I still hope that they will find the joy and blessings of marriage. I hope that they will be brought to the Truth by first seeing through the lies of contraception. His name is Mike. Please pray for him.

As My Eyes Began to Open

About 18 years ago the younger sister of a friend called me from a nearby town. She was looking for a phone number. This was pre-internet days where, to find a phone number you needed an actual phone book for the area you wanted, or you paid money to call information. She was going to be in my city and needed to make an appointment. I said I was happy to help. And I did. And that moment was the beginning of a wake up call for me.

She needed the number to Planned Parenthood. I even said, "you realize you are asking a Catholic for this don't you?" Her answer was that it wasn't for an abortion, but for her "annual." She told me that it was a cheap place that she could get her "Pills." She told me, "well, they won't give me my birth control Pills without an exam, but it isn't a real exam anyway. They just do the basics and give me my pills. It's cheap and all I need is not to get pregnant again" (At the time she had no children that I knew of, so the "again" stood out.) I remember such detail about the call because it was such a moment of tragedy for my personal failure. I didn't even really know at the time what my own Church taught about contraception. She knew I was against abortion so her telling me she was getting contraception was supposed to ease my mind, I guess.

At the time it did. At the time I really believed that better access to contraception was going to prevent abortion. I didn't even realize that the Catholic Church was already teaching that contraception leads to more abortion, not less. I really thought that more STD tests meant that more people were finally getting tested, not that it meant more people were getting the diseases. I actually started to think that clinics like Planned Parenthood were doing some good. I thought they were helping the poor.

But this gal was 17 at the time. She was living on her own. We lost touch for many years. I eventually found out that her contraception had failed, yet again. And she had been with a man who showed her no respect. I would always think back to that phone call. What if I had known then what I know now? What if I had told her then that she deserved better than what contraception had to offer? What if I had had the courage to say, "How about I pay to take you to a real clinic and get you a real exam and real education about healthy sexuality? You deserve to be treated better than 'cheap' care." What a difference might that have made in her life? But instead, I left her in the hands of Planned Parenthood because, "at least she's not going there for an abortion."

I am speaking up now. I won't stop until every woman knows she deserves better.

More Confessions: A Wish List

My biggest reason for starting this blog was to share my past journey. But, as has been pointed out to me by friends, it does say "Confessions." That term also includes the present. While I am a former contracepter, I am still on a journey. I don't foresee myself becoming a contracepter again, but I do know I have to nurture my spirit every day on this topic. I need to remember why it is important and why I want to spread the word about the pitfalls of contraception.

So, with that said, here are the beginnings of my wish list: (in no particular order)

• To find the time to make up my business cards promoting NFP
• To take classes in other methods of NFP to promote those as well
• To blog more often, preferably daily
• To be more brief in each blog post (Brevity has never been my strong suit.)
• To discover better ways to communicate with those who disagree
• To create and nurture a home environment to make writing a higher priority
• To attend to my children while staying on task to write
• To find the humor in this topic more often and not take myself so seriously
• To keep anonymous enough that my husband can show his face in public
• To write well enough to give all glory to God
• To get better at just publishing posts even if they aren't quite "done"

Like this one, for instance. Thanks for reading!!

Yet Another Contraception Conversation

I encountered another Catholic who was put out by my use of NFP. I am not sure what it is about me, or maybe, NFP that offends. I am used to the "It doesn't work" comments, so I am always ready to explain that not only is my chart extremely weird and hard for many people to interpret, but that it does work, and it works well. And further, that it was the charting of fertility that led to more physical healing for me, which in turn made my chart easier to interpret. This was a woman who absolutely could not have any more children for a lot reasons, (most of them very good reasons, actually.)

She said they, "tried" NFP but had no idea what it was they "tried." I was gently querying and even clearly stated that I always ask to find out what information is out there and to find ways to better help others in the future. But she truly believed that she fell in the very special category that made her decision the right one. I wasn't about to argue with her. She was hurt and not open to the Truth. She is past child-bearing years and the deed was done. It was too late to tell her that her horrible PPD could have been helped by charting. It was of no use to tell her that her husband is still open to a whole host of health problems because of his vasectomy. And it was certainly not going to change her heart to push the issue when I barely knew her. I had to wait for a better time.

I can only hope to plant seeds for the future. I know that God will continue to give me the opportunities. Those conversations must always be rooted in love and compassion, and most importantly, with a firm grasp of Truth.

Boy or Girl? Mommy Knows.

What have we forgotten? A friend posted a link about a pregnancy test that also determines sex. (Of course, the ad itself used the misnomer, "gender," to explain the product. To be grammatically correct: "People are sexed, nouns are gendered.") There are always worries that products like that will be used for evil. My friend posted deep concern and prayers for the babies who would be aborted for being the wrong sex. I fear for that too, but I have hopes that it was just about wanting to know which colors to knit the booties.

But it also got me to thinking about how much we have forgotten and overlooked in our secular quest for true scientific knowledge. We have forgotten that the science is built right into our bodies. It is not wrong to want to know the sex of our babies. Our own bodies give us the clues. If your body tells you, there is nothing immoral in it. Science and reason have never been at odds. Science and reason are a built in tool which we already possess. While I am glad that science has mapped the human DNA code necessary to discover the baby's sex at such early gestation, it is a bit redundant. Our body will give us signs, very accurate signs, for free.

When I was first learning to chart fertility, I only noticed the big signs. But once I was tuned in, the subtle ones proved far more fascinating. Having carried both a boy and a girl, I had the privilege of experiencing those signs independently, and very intensely. I have interviewed many women about them and have discovered what appear to be inconsistencies, but they are not. They are nuanced markers that could be measured if we gave ourselves the chance.

Simply put, carrying a boy affects the breasts, carrying a girl affects the mucous. Many of the ladies I interviewed thought this was incorrect. They noted that they got larger breasts when pregnant with girls, or they had cervical mucous when pregnant with boys. These signs, or markers, would be the opposite of the built in "sex determiner" if that was all there was. But (and there is always a but,) they were not aware of how they were affected. "Larger breasts" is not descriptive enough, neither is "just" cervical mucous. These are the signs we are finally noticing again, but we have spent so many years with an artificial idea of fertility that we don't know what is right in front of us.

So what have we forgotten about pregnancy through the generations? What is the science written on our bodies that secular science will one day prove for us? That science, is that the body will tell us who we are carrying. When carrying a boy the breast tissue of the mother grows more dense. Our production of testosterone goes up as we carry boys. Higher testosterone creates denser breast tissue. (Just look at any athletes who have taken steroids. Then look at them after they are off of them.) In some women the breasts grow larger as they grow more dense. In women carrying girls they might get larger breasts, but that has to do with fluid, not density. Mothers carrying girls are producing higher amounts of estrogen. Estrogen makes fluid. Swollen breasts might happen, but more importantly she will produce mucous, and more mucous... and more mucous. Some women when carrying boys noted that they had cervical mucous too, but when asked one question, it cleared things up. Tacky mucous or fluid mucous? Ah-ha! (The amount of time I spent blowing my nose while pregnant with my daughter was almost laughable. Since mucous is mucous, I was stuck with it. We knew she was a girl!) Estrogen makes very fluid mucous. It is the strongest indicator.

Our bodies know what we are carrying. It is part of the process of development that the mother's body produce the right hormones to help with development. Someday, secular science will prove that the mother does matter. Science will someday find out that having the artificial hormones from the Pill in our bodies are not good for the development of our later children. Science will also find out that conception that takes place outside of the body misses a key time in development. From that moment of conception the mother knows she's pregnant. Her body begins to change immediately. We have just forgotten through the generations how to notice.

I am so thankful that I knew about charting when my kids were conceived. It was exciting knowing that those tiny people were there from the very first moment. It was an honor to know so much about them before I met them face to face. They gave me hints to their personalities very early in. I knew my son was a giving person and my daughter had an iron will, long before I saw it in their eyes. It was an amazing gift. I am glad I watched their signs.

Food and Sex

I am reading an excellent paper on marriage. It gave me another word I have been lacking in my writings about contraception. (And we know how much I love words!!) That word is "organic." Currently, the word has become a buzzword for healthy living. I tend to agree with the concept even though I often disagree with the application, or more accurately, the politics of the people who apply it. but politics aside, I agree that organic is superior to inorganic.

So that brings me to the reason for this post. The paper was addressing the marriage act as an organic act. It was saying, in part, that the act of coitus is the core of reproduction. Whether or not it results in conception is not relevant to the organic act. The act stays an organic act either way. When organic is defined in this context it is more accurate. It is defined by the core and not by the results, in much the same way as an organic food could be contaminated after the fact.

Natural coitus is an organic act. Contraception and IVF are inorganic acts. The word "spermicide" alone is just one example. Inorganic interruption of the female reproductive cycle makes the act itself inorganic because it changes the core. Menopause is an organic interruption of the female cycle so the act is still an organic act. Organic, by definition, is referring to the natural environment and natural design.

Organic is superior. It also requires a deeper commitment. The contraceptive argument would be, "Just because inorganic food is less ideal you wouldn't stop eating." I agree. But my counter to that argument is that some inorganic items actually cease to be food. At that point, I would stop eating. Worse yet, if those things were actually poison to the body and to the marriage, I would probably devote a fair amount of my time to education and information. (of course!) The sexual, contraceptive act has ceased to be a marital act because it is so far removed from the organic. A cohabitation filled with sexual acts that are not marital acts, does not define marriage. It seeks to redefine marriage away from the organic.

The Body of Contraception

In an online discussion with someone about contraception I have been reading back through my many, many, many, many sources. (Did I say many enough times?) I was led back to one of the talks on ecumenism. This weird word is about reunification, specifically about unifying Christians. The talk is here if you would like to listen. Dr. Kreeft is a professor and convert to the Catholic Church. His work is heavy in academics, but he still has a very personal, humorous style.

The point that really stood out to me this time listening through was the reality of the Church as the body of Christ. This was one of Dr. Kreeft's points for how other Christians can be reunited with the Catholic Church. Not to see the Church as an obstacle, but as the actual body of Christ. Christ is the Head and the Church is His body. This is not new information to me. But this time, I really listened and heard the word about the body. Since I was going back to it because of contraception, I was really tuned to that word. The Body.

The writings on the Theology of the Body by Pope John Paul II weren't intended as the be all, end all. His intention was a study of a theology; a theology of the body. We are, as students of the theology, to look for it everywhere. So that word stood out to me again. The body of Christ.

On the flip side of the body of Christ, is the body of contraception. I have heard talks on it before, but this time something really stood out. The body of contraception is a body of withholding. The body of contraception is a body of dis-unity. I truly see all of Christianity being against contraception as one of the last big structures to fall in recent times. Before 1930, if you were a Christian you were against contraception. We were still united on it. Now we aren't.

What changed? I don't have an answer. I have theories, few of which I am willing to delve too deeply. I wasn't there. What I do see are the results. Eighty years later, we are more divided as a body. Withholding of ourselves is not new. Contraception is not a new concept. What it is, is a newly accepted concept within Christianity. If two really do become one (Gen 2:24) then contraception is not only not necessary, but it is an assault instead. It is a division of ONE body.

A contracepting body withholds part of itself. What is the body of Christ? He is one body, with one head, and one Bride. What is a body of contraception? It is two bodies who do not become one. If we are not one body in Christ within our own marriages, how do we present ONE body of Christ to the world?

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

So I watch the wrong channels. I really strongly, dislike contraception. (Ya' think?) Yet, I watch the channels that contraceptive companies sponsor. Why don't I just change the channel? For one, those are the shows I want to watch. But mainly it is because for so many years I just didn't notice the commercials. I just took them in like an ad for a car or a soft drink. Now they annoy me. But then, since I became more aware of contraception and its impact on society I am annoyed by more and more commercials. The car ad reveals that having no kids makes you skinnier, smarter, and drive a "better" car. Not that ads have ever been considered true, by anyone; I've just finally started to notice the subtle undertones against the natural family.

But I think the one that drives me the battiest, (is battiest a word? I guess so because my spell check liked it,) but the one that annoys me more than all the rest of the ads combined: Mirena. It is a so-called "contraceptive device." It isn't. It does one thing. It aborts. The ads are sneaky. They say it, "prevents pregnancy." Nowhere do they admit that to truly be a "contraceptive" it needs to be "contra" "ception." In other words, since pregnancy is currently defined, by law, as the "moment of implantation," then a product that does not allow implantation, but does allow conception can legally be termed a "contraceptive." By definition the word contraception means, "against the beginning." It does not mean, "against step two."

But they flat out lie. Since one can have a "pregnant pause" then one is pregnant the moment someone else enters the picture. I don't recall a grammatical rule requiring implantation for a pause to be pregnant. To be impregnated has never before in the history of our language, meant implantation. But it does now.

A lie and misdirection is just fine in the world that brought us contraception. The shocked young woman who asked me about Mirena and found out the truth, looked as if someone had just slapped her, hard. I hope she had the courage to follow through and remove it from her life. She remains in my prayers.

Do I Have to Do This?

Ugh. My attitude has been bad lately. I am healed from my surgery, but I still haven't felt quite up to writing again. I have a few posts that I am working on in the background. But they aren't quite there yet.

My reasons for not writing have really been twofold. My general surroundings and the people. Many of my friends are either on the same path I am, trying to help the world know each other better. Some are already Catholic and have a passionate Christian life. Some have completely different beliefs than I do and not a lifetime of talking is ever going to change either of us. And the rest are just plain so thick-headed that I feel like I am blowing hot air. None of the situations have really inspired me to write.

My kids have been in rare form too. While I have recovered from from my surgery they have found new and exciting ways to make me crazy. I think my daughter eating 6 bananas in an hour sums it up nicely. We gave her two. The rest, she absconded when we were out of the room. I knew there was a reason I call her a little monkey. My son, though older, seems to follow her mischievous lead. She's three. Oh what my future holds!

But then I remember, I am supposed to do this. I am supposed to write every day, even if I don't want to write. I have a great friend who reminds me that I really need to get my stories down in print so the message can reach more people. If my experiences can help people know more about how beautiful authentic sexuality can be, then I really need to keep going. I need to keep plugging away. So this post is to remind me that I need to keep writing. It is times like this that I ask God, "Do I have to do this?" Since my attitude gets bad, my world gets dizzy, and my little monkey gets pyrotechnic digestive results when I don't do what I am called to do; I think the answer is a resounding, "Yes!" I have to do this.

Will write soon. I promise.

Did She Love?

I haven't written since before my friend Kim, died. I didn't feel worthy, or inspired, or even thoughtful. Certainly I had a lot of topics run through my little mind. But they all seemed so dull and silly compared to life and death. And then God hit me in the head again.

I got sick... again. This time it is my gallbladder. You'd think they were having a fire sale with the number of surgeries in my family in the last two years. In our family there have been four. One for my husband, now coming up on three for me. Three surgeries?!? Tonsils, ovary, and now gallbladder. Nothing like a good "going under the knife just on the heels of friends death" to cure you of selfish thoughts and behaviors. Or does it? This last one is getting to me. I keep having those moments of, "Why me?" and not in a good way. Why am I still here? They call that, "survivor's guilt" in pop psychology. I call it, "My worthy and holy friend died, and I am still here muddling through it."

What I really wanted to write on and can't is what I termed, A Living Obituary. It would be what was said if my obituary were written tomorrow. Do I have anything to account for my time here? Whether a reader believes in God or not, what would it say? I am not even trying to write as if I died tomorrow. I am looking at my life and saying, "What have I done up to now?"

Kim died about a week or so after my last post. Her vigil and funeral were beautiful. Her family from out of town came before she died and again for her burial. Some of them aren't Catholic. Her last prayer that I had the honor of praying with her was for the conversion of her immediate family who aren't Catholic. Could I do that? Could I face death and pray for the conversion of loved ones? I would like to think so, but I doubt it.

The living obituary is the question I think most of us do ask ourselves, "Did s/he love?" I know most people would say, 'yes' on a cursory level. But then most of us are going by a very superficial definition of the word. Did she love? Do I love those who are difficult to love, or just those who are simple and fit into my idea of lovable people? I know the answer to that question. I know I have loved when it is convenient to love. I don't love when it is tough to love and I certainly don't love when it is painful to love. I leave that painful love up to those who are stronger than me.

So who does that leave? Who is stronger, and more capable of that kind of love? Within my Catholic Faith, I have an answer. But my job is not to hand another a pat answer. My job is to BE that face of love. I even have an idea of how I am supposed to do that. But, I really don't want to do it. I wish I had an ounce of Kim's faith right now. I wish I could love with her heart.

Almost Too Humbling for Words

I wanted to write today even though I cannot really organize my thoughts. This is another of those times that I just want to get the words written down, but not sure where they are going. My friend has cancer and she is not doing well. That previous sentence was going to be, "my friend is dying," but I couldn't bring myself to type those words in that context. I am still hoping for the miracle. But I think I lack enough faith to believe it is still possible. She is still in the hospital because her pain is not under control yet. I got to visit her on Monday.

Her hands and feet were very chapped from the treatments she gets. I asked if I could put lotion on her hands and she almost refused. She didn't want to impose. Her husband handed me the lotion with a smile. He knows her well. Though her feet hurt too much to touch, I was honored to help relieve the suffering in her hands. It was a little thing, but it was something. Her left hand had a needle taped down for administering pain medication and an oxygen saturation monitor was attached to her finger and wrapped around her wrist. Her right arm couldn't have anything on it because of all that had already been done. She had bruises all up her arms where they had removed lymph nodes. Some spots were a deep, dark red. In that moment, I realized I was seeing authentic beauty.

Mother Teresa's Sisters of Charity are quoted as saying that everyone they help is really Jesus. A young nun went to her superior and said, "Mother, I touched the Body of Christ today!" Christ was fully present in a man whose wounds she had dressed and comforted in his pain. The memory of reading those words flooded through me the moment I touched my friend's hand. I was touching the Body of Christ! And it was so beautiful!

She has lost both breasts to cancer. Her beautiful, blond hair is gone. The steroids have puffed up her cheeks so much. I said, "Gerber baby." Her husband said, "No, Cabbage Patch baby." Again, he knows her well. As he affectionately rubs her head and puts a cold cloth on it, I witness another tender moment between them. It is more pure beauty.

But the most humbling part was our conversation, just she and I. Her husband and her mom took a break to let us visit. In her agonizing pain, she looked to me and said, "I am so sorry. You hurt like this all the time." There are not enough words to describe that moment. I assured her that she was in much more pain than I, but she protested again. She said, "Yes, but I know mine will stop eventually. Yours doesn't." I could not hold back my tears any longer. I had touched the Body of Christ and now heard words of comfort from someone suffering more than I can comprehend. The magnitude of that moment has taken me days to process.

As we chatted, she encouraged me to keep getting the word out about contraception. In her early marriage she hadn't known about the dangers of contraception, and had never really heard of NFP. Our very first conversation had been about NFP and how glad she was that I was a promoter. We spent our time in her hospital room talking about ways to help people reconsider and not have an abortion and how to reach out to people with love and support, no matter what choices they have made. Every thing we mentioned she made a mental note to herself to add that to her prayer intentions. She was more than happy to offer up her suffering for others. We closed our time together by listening and praying a sung Chaplet of Divine Mercy. For that little bit of time it distracted her from her pain.

Now some people might think that it is just because this young mother of two children is at the end of her life, that she has just now become so selfless. In my own life, that is probably what it would take for me. But, no. In the short year I have known her, she has amazed me with her gentle and humble heart. She has a balance of strong and meek that I cannot yet emulate, but I hope to learn. Before her cancer returned, I had asked her how she had faced death without losing her spirit. Her answer even then had humbled me. She said, "With cancer you have to. What I admire is that you are in constant pain and yet you can still smile and laugh."

I am so very humbled knowing this amazing lady. I thank God for the short time I have had getting to know her. Her name is Kim. She is one of those "saints on Earth" that so few of us get to meet. I have had that honor.