Keeping Focused on the Purpose

One of the things my mom reminded me of is to keep my writing focused if I want to deliver the best possible message. I have said that for me everything came down to a deep misunderstanding of authentic sexuality, hence a contraceptive mentality. And my mom is right. (During my rebellious years I bet she never thought she would hear those words!) This blog could have as easily been entitled "Confessions of a Former Heretic," or "Confessions of a Former Fornicator," or even, "Confessions of a Former Catholic," if I had stayed on certain paths I tried to take. But no, Confessions of a Former Contracepter is exactly what it is, because that has been the single largest factor in my journey. I was a contracepter before I ever had sex.

My thought process was broken. I cannot blame any one source or even identify the order it all happened. I know it came from a fundamental misunderstanding of what it meant to be female, and especially, what it meant to be feminine. Many people either use those words interchangeably, or they think they are only related because nature defines the former, and society the latter.

It wasn't until very recently that I was given a way to express what I had intuitively known, but had tried to bury. It was Dr. Peter Kreeft who gave me the words. To paraphrase, he says that masculine and feminine are the universal give and receive. Male and female are the result, the physicality, of that universal reality. That might sound backwards to some, but it really spoke to me. I finally found out that I am female because I am inherently feminine. Every single thing made sense to me once that door opened. It was a key that helped unlock a very deep understanding of Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body. Who God is, is written on us. And since I am very, very, very feminine on the spectrum, it helped me to see the complementarity on a grand scale.

So as usual, what does that have to do with contraception? I am so glad you asked! I discovered, and continue to find out each day, that a contraceptive mentality was the number one thing holding me back. (It still does. I find remnants of it all the time.) I find that I often want to hold back that side of me who is inherently designed to receive. I am feminine. We receive and return. That is our design.

My fear of receiving was and is my contraceptive mentality. On that same note, men suffer a fear of giving. They face rejection of their gifts of self. It is often said that a man would rather be respected than loved. That is rooted in rejection of their gifts. My so-called "unworthiness" to receive, I deemed as weakness, selfishness, and laziness. I will have to ponder longer to find the words that men would term for their so-called unworthiness to give. But as all things, it is a complementary fear.

As I have said before, contraception means: "against the beginning." As my health has more bad days at times, than good, I have found a more raw understanding of my rejection of receiving. In my ill health, I am forced to receive. I cannot go it alone. It helps me better understand what I used to deem as antiquated ideas from the book of Genesis. Women in labor are very vulnerable. They cannot do anything except have that baby. They are forced to receive. Men must till the soil. They are forced to give. Those are not merely punishments. They are signposts back to God if we view Him in His whole glory.