One of my biggest struggles with being a "former contracepter," is the toll those years took on me. It is hard, actually impossible, to deny that the struggles I have now are in some way linked to the choices I made then. Yes, when I am not being tough on myself I can remember that many of those choices were good and moral. But on days like today, I am very aware of where my immorality led me. Most people who give up contraception, especially hormonal contraception, become very aware of the children they chemically aborted. I think I am also profoundly aware of the people in my life who weren't part of the "plan" in the first place.
Many, if not all, of the choices I make now, have a strong link to my past. I am spending time atoning for my sins, while simultaneously working toward making those sins look less appealing to young people. But on nights like tonight, I wonder how many of the repercussions of those sinful actions will never go away. Please don't get me wrong. I am not trying to present God as some mean, unforgiving tyrant. I do honestly believe that things are sinful simply because, in the long run, they are bad for us.
While I try not to mention too much about other people here, I will say that my husband struggles with his own set of "demons" from his past as well. He has an unusual seizure disorder that makes him, at times, sleepwalk at night, and go into an automatic loop behavior during the day. Basically, when he is in the seizure, if he gets an idea in his head, he will generally act on it. If he decides he is hungry, he will go in the kitchen and make a meal. It doesn't matter that it is the middle of the night. He has no memory the next day of doing the behavior. And he appears completely awake while performing the actions.
In his past, his ways of dealing with stress were not immoral, but they were not good for him. If he was under stress, he would stuff it down and not mention it. Talking about problems always led to fighting for him. He came from a family where men only displayed anger or happiness. They were all heavy drinkers and heavy smokers. Most died young or live in behavior-related ill-health. My husband tries to break those bonds in his own life. But if he is stressed, he craves alcohol, tobacco, and yelling. That is what he knew, and it is hard to let go. And to really make it even tougher on him, the sleepwalking ties him to his past. As a wonderful Catholic counselor told us, "Your emotions have no time-frame. Stress opens the file drawer and pulls out an emotion, no matter how old it is."
He started on the path to change, shortly before I met him 11 years ago. On some level, he is actually ahead of me. When we met, he had quit smoking. I was still fornicating and contracepting. While marriage and chastity "cured me" of my struggles, I still can see the long term effects. I can see the stain on my soul, much like a smoker's lung. (Actually is was continence that fixed it, but that term often sounds like a urinary problem, so, yeah, I use the other term.) Yes, I am forgiven, but I still make choices that are steered in part by overcoming my past. I am more short-tempered about certain topics with my kids. They ask an innocent question and because I know where that answer might lead them, I answer quickly and change the subject. I don't want to do that. I want to truly be free of that past sinful choice. Mostly, I want to be able to answer with a pure heart, not one of suspicion and doubt.
I want my husband to think about having a nice, warm bath when he is stressed out and sleepwalking, not a shot (or 4) of whiskey. I want for those men who come from backgrounds of anger to break those chains completely; just because their dads knew nothing but anger, doesn't mean they have to be just like them. I often beg God for some sort of "spiritual amnesia," where our present choices don't have our past sins lurking over them. One of the questions I still have is, "why if the sin is forgiven completely, do we still remember it?" How do we move forward in holiness while still living with the repercussions of our past sins? And most importantly, how do we strive for holiness when our sinful demons are such a large part of who we have become?
Like a former addict, will I always be a "former contracepter," or at some point in my life will that be so far removed from me that it will have no bearing on my life? Will my husband and other men like him, finally know what it is like to rest secure and confident? Will the families with generations of despair, finally find peace? I think, as I write this, that heaven will be the only place to find those answers. As a very wise religious sister often tells me, "God's delay is not God's denial."
