I haven't written since before my friend Kim, died. I didn't feel worthy, or inspired, or even thoughtful. Certainly I had a lot of topics run through my little mind. But they all seemed so dull and silly compared to life and death. And then God hit me in the head again.
I got sick... again. This time it is my gallbladder. You'd think they were having a fire sale with the number of surgeries in my family in the last two years. In our family there have been four. One for my husband, now coming up on three for me. Three surgeries?!? Tonsils, ovary, and now gallbladder. Nothing like a good "going under the knife just on the heels of friends death" to cure you of selfish thoughts and behaviors. Or does it? This last one is getting to me. I keep having those moments of, "Why me?" and not in a good way. Why am I still here? They call that, "survivor's guilt" in pop psychology. I call it, "My worthy and holy friend died, and I am still here muddling through it."
What I really wanted to write on and can't is what I termed, A Living Obituary. It would be what was said if my obituary were written tomorrow. Do I have anything to account for my time here? Whether a reader believes in God or not, what would it say? I am not even trying to write as if I died tomorrow. I am looking at my life and saying, "What have I done up to now?"
Kim died about a week or so after my last post. Her vigil and funeral were beautiful. Her family from out of town came before she died and again for her burial. Some of them aren't Catholic. Her last prayer that I had the honor of praying with her was for the conversion of her immediate family who aren't Catholic. Could I do that? Could I face death and pray for the conversion of loved ones? I would like to think so, but I doubt it.
The living obituary is the question I think most of us do ask ourselves, "Did s/he love?" I know most people would say, 'yes' on a cursory level. But then most of us are going by a very superficial definition of the word. Did she love? Do I love those who are difficult to love, or just those who are simple and fit into my idea of lovable people? I know the answer to that question. I know I have loved when it is convenient to love. I don't love when it is tough to love and I certainly don't love when it is painful to love. I leave that painful love up to those who are stronger than me.
So who does that leave? Who is stronger, and more capable of that kind of love? Within my Catholic Faith, I have an answer. But my job is not to hand another a pat answer. My job is to BE that face of love. I even have an idea of how I am supposed to do that. But, I really don't want to do it. I wish I had an ounce of Kim's faith right now. I wish I could love with her heart.
